Funny things happen when you seek direction and clarity in your life. Sometimes you wander, grasping into a fog that may seem never-ending. Sometimes, lightning-bolt moments happen during a conversation, during a shower, during a movie. Sometimes, a book jumps out at you, and alters the course of your week.
Many of these have happened to me lately.
Brene Brown in Rising Strong encourages keeping your eyes open to the dots in your life — the events or moments that perhaps add up once you connect them all together. Since reading that a few weeks back, I’ve been better about journaling and being more aware of my feelings and events in real time.
And yet I’ve felt rather aimless for the past few months, despite a host of encouraging books, great friends and incredible opportunities. Earlier this week, in a moment of impulse, I headed to Barnes and Noble, picked up a few books from the business aisle and plopped down in the cafe to read, reflect and pray for direction.
Zooming Out: Finding More Dots to Connect
If I pause and zoom out, I can visualize the series of dots that have led to this moment originating to the time before giving birth to my son. It’s common for women to question their identity and reshape their life after having a baby. After all, a new being has come into your heart and home and shaken things up a bit (well, a lot). I did a lot of soul-searching before his delivery too, and I painted a lot of expectations for myself and what life would look like.
I was swiftly corrected.
After the birth, through the sleep-deprived haze of my new reality, I questioned a lot about my role in the wider world. How would I balance all that I wanted to do in life with this new, honored role as mother? How would I balance my hobbies with my full time job at a company I adore and in a team I love? What DID I really want to do in life?
With so many different things tipping the scales for my attention, I really craved only one thing: a thread, a purpose that tied it all together.
Searching for a Thread
I realize deep down that naming one thread that runs seamlessly through my life’s activities is perhaps a bit unrealistic. Life is messy. Life is crazy. Life isn’t meant to be neat and tidy, after all.
And yet I still crave purpose, direction and something to anchor everything to.
Here’s a little sample of the chaotic thoughts that felt like I needed to rein in:
– I love being a mom – this is my first and foremost priority.
– I love working full time – I believe in my company, our mission, our values. I don’t want to give this up.
– I love writing fiction and telling stories – being a part of a monthly critique group takes time. Where is the time for this? How can I justify time away from mothering to do this?
– I love working with a small indie press, designing their covers. How does this fit into my larger goal in life? I don’t want to give this up.
– I love animals – a dog, two horses and a flock of chickens and ducks. Can I justify the time and cost of these — especially the time to be good stewards of these creatures?
In the past few years, I’ve stepped back from some other responsibilities that I didn’t feel were things I should be doing — volunteering for a writers group, doing marketing consulting on the side, doing freelance graphic design, etc. I tend to have a hard time saying “no” when people ask for help, so a lot of things in life I’ve done because I “can” do them, rather than things I know I “should” be doing. I don’t regret any of those experiences — I’ve learned so much from every instance and am the person I am today because of it.
The list of things I love now are things I can’t bear to give up. Right now. Things may change down the line, but this is where I’m at now.
I just needed a thread. A reason everything fits together (albeit some in small pieces of the larger pie that is my life).
My ONE Thing
In my pile of Barnes and Noble books was a book titled “The ONE Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results” by Gary Keller.
Essentialism and focus have been a recurring theme for years. The book Essentialism helped me eliminate those things I mentioned earlier that I knew were not essential in my life. Thus, this book drew me in right away.
The heart of this book is asking a focusing question to get to the most important things you should be doing to achieve the goals in your life. That question is “What is the One thing I can do such that by doing it, everything else will be easier or unnecessary?” Part of that process includes listing out your “Someday goal” and then breaking it down to your, 5 year goal, 1 year goal, monthly goal, weekly goal, daily goal and then you have your “what you should be doing right now” to get to those bigger goals.
So what is my “someday goal?”
I felt like this was key to finding my thread. And while I could break this out for my “work someday goal” and “mothering someday goal” — I had a sense I could have an overall goal that still was relevant.
Here’s what I wrote in a journal after thinking on this:
What is my ONE thing?
To change someone’s life through the power of STORY.I so clearly remember the time in my life where reading first consumed me and I couldn’t get my hands on enough books:
It was a babysitting job, actually, that propelled an already established reading habit into a frenzy. I was 12 or 13 and desperate to money for my horse “hobby.” I mucked stalls at $3 a pop and babysat for $3 an hour. Until that point, my dream in life was to simply ride horses. (Of course, there is nothing wrong with that ambition.) For this particular family, I watched the kiddos a lot in the evening while the parents went out. The mother kindly said, “Borrow any book you want!” I discovered a towering wall of books, all of their spines well-creased from circulation and enjoyment. I discovered then a new genre that inspired and filled my soul: historical fiction.
Storytelling changed my life, my dreams. It motivated me to write my own novels when I ran out of ones in my piles. It motivated me to go to journalism school. It motivated my freelancing jobs. It motivates me to help a small indie publisher. It fills me at Buffer.
So how do I change a life through story? I write every story. I write a better, more carefully crafted story each time. I improve my craft. Every piece should be the best piece I’ve written (because it could be the last one. Life is funny that way.)
At the end of my life, I want to say, “I’m glad I wrote and had the courage to share the stories that mattered to me.”
There it is. My thread.
A New Lens for Life
To change someone’s life through the power of story.
So what does it look like if I apply this to my life?
– I love being a mom – this is the biggest story I could live and every moment of this is something that will add to a story later on.
– I love working full time – I can share stories in my role and aim to change lives here.
– I love writing fiction and telling stories – I can write as much or as little as I’m able.
– I love working with a small indie press, designing their covers – This enables other author’s stories to be published and perhaps change a life.
– I love animals – The healing power of animals is well-known – I can combine this in my stories.
Things will still be messy. There probably still won’t be enough hours in the day. But this is my anchor. When I think about other things I “can” do, I’ll ask if this helps me accomplish the one thing I want to do in my life.
Perhaps my “One” thing is a bit too broad. Too abstract. How do I know when I’ve really “accomplished” that? Maybe I’ve already changed someone’s life through a story I wrote. If so, that’s awesome. But there is someone else, I bet. And then someone after that. Perhaps it’s the perfect goal because it’s beyond attainable, but still actionable.
I’ll just keep writing.
The Forest for the Trees
As a good friend pointed out, sometimes these “dots” are only visible in hindsight. What do you do when you’re maybe in the midst of this all? What about when you’re in a forest so thick, you can only see bark in front of you?
Jon Acuff shared in his book Start, “I’m not a fan of “finding your purpose.” I’m a fan of “living with purpose.”
His rationale is that many times the quest to find a purpose can stop you from living entirely. Also, it might not be until later in life you actually discover what you were truly meant to do — what all those dots really line up to form.
For me, this is present in my heart and mind. My thread might not be my life’s purpose. That’s okay. It’s a connection and driver for me in the moment. If you’re struggling, look for a tiny thread to pull on and help you wade through everything you’re balancing in your life.
Here are a few other strategies that have encouraged me and may help you:
– Talk to a friend.
– Write out your story in the third person.
– Journal daily (write out nonsense, even!)
– Keep a gratitude journal (Do you see any trends?)
– Think about the moments that truly bring you joy. (Do you see any trends?)
If all else fails, take a trip to Barnes and Noble. Perhaps a cover, a title, a magazine cover will jump out at you and give you another dot to play with.
I’m rooting for you.
Photo credits: Ashlee Murr Photography, me!, Unsplash
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